to put my feeling into actions and speech would be really difficult for me. for me, to put what i feel into writing is the easiest. this blog i keep is the best outlet for all the negative and positive feelings that i just want to let out, but can't through words or actions. *sigh*


been feeling really down these past few days. not really showing how i feel to those around me. i feel as if i've been sidelined by alot of people. its like to them i'm just a useful, multi-purpose  tool, that they can use as and when they feel like it. so many people, but i won't say name names, as such would be to make them feel bad (not asking for sympathy here, but for those who know what they'd done to make me feel like this, please tell me whether i'm a friend to you, or just someone whom you talk to just to relieve your stress and tensions). most of  the friends that i've made in church, if you can call them that, are really starting to show their true colours. when they need me for something, they call or sms me, telling me their troubles, and then forgetting about me. *sighz* wish my life could be easier. i've seen them, all over, in their little cliques,  which used to include me. and when i ask them about what they did that certain day, they'd just lie to me, which just infuriates me. i keep quiet, sure, but then inside i'm angry. it so obvious that to them, i'm just useful for certain purposes. so many promises, so many of them broken as soon as they have a chance. so much so that i'm having problems trusting people now.


recently i found that there was talk going around within this group of people in church. and then again, i only told this 2 people from that certain clique whom i liked, and they promised me not to tell. but somehow all those people in their clique know who i like. maybe not somehow, but i'm sure they talked about it within the confines of their clique. people i've known and trusted for quite some time.  and the only other person i told was ben sng. and he didn't say anything. depressing that the people that you have known much longer can do this kind of things to you. i don't know whether they find it fun to gossip about my life or its just that they can't keep secrets to themselves. but i know for sure i won't be telling those 2 people my secrets anymore, no matter how much they bug me about it.


other than that, i don't want to keep up this pretence of being such a nice guy to people whom i dislike. its making me start to feel stressed and fatigued just to build such an elaborate facade just to cater to their thinking that i actually welcome them in my presence.  it'd probably feel good, because i haven't let my true feelings show in a very, very long time. i think that the next time a long holiday comes, i'm just going to relax somewhere, all by myself, to recharge and to find myself again. to decide what i want to be and how i want to be. also, my temper hasn't been very good these past month, and i've been feeling like hitting people, for the slightest excuse. i hope this doesn't worsen.

legendary_slacker was haunted by memories on 7/26/2004 12:04:00 am.